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by Psychedk
Summary: Spock muses over the past


Disclaimer:  
This is purely fiction. Characters are owned by Paramount.  
No infringement intented.  
  
  
The Walk  
by Dawn  
  
  
***  
The memories...  
  
  
  
Up there, somewhere. Past the red sky above him. He was coming again.  
Not for him... but he was coming.  
  
Spock walked along the dusty road, the sun shining down on him, hot and  
burning. He wore a dark brown tunic, black pants. A soft wind played in  
his dark hair as he walked the road to shi'Kar in a slow, calm pace.  
  
But he was anything but calm.  
  
  
  
The heat blurred the city in the horizon. As Spock approached the main  
street he quickened his pace until he could see the Academy to his right.  
Only 30 minutes...  
  
  
  
The second time Kirk had asked Spock that question he had been silent.  
*Why*? What could he say. The obvious answer was that the starship captain  
was more important than the woman with him. But that wasn't the true  
answer of why he chose to beam over Kirk, and Spock was painfully aware  
of that.  
  
  
  
The mess room had been dead silent when Kirk had confronted Spock there,  
in front of the crew members dining. Kirk's eyes were dark and bitter, and for the first time in his life Spock had been frightened.  
Frightened of the raw anger he saw, frightened because he didn't  
recognise the Jim he knew.  
  
Frightened because he realised that for the first time he had made a  
choice based on his own interest, and this was the prize he would have  
to pay.  
  
I ordered you to beam her over, not myself! How could you disobey me?  
How could you make me leave her behind?  
  
Fifty pair of eyes rested on them, and Spock felt himself go numb in  
front of Kirk, under his harsh words. He searched for the correct answer  
that could make everything be all right again, but his mind failed him.  
He couldn't bring the things he felt, the words he wanted to say, over  
his lips.  
  
The pain wasn't physical, when Kirk raised his hand and hit him across  
the face. Something inside Spock died at that moment. After that Kirk  
turned and stomped out of the mess room, leaving everyone to stare after  
him. When Spock left, passing the tables, they all looked down. No one  
saw the Vulcan's eyes watering.  
  
  
  
His heart hammered inside him when the Academy's main transporter room  
vanished, and Spock materialised in Spacedock transporter room four. He  
stepped down from the pads and proceeded down the corridors, long and  
brightly lit. He clasped his hands behind his back, trying to calm him-  
self as he approached the large windows with the great view of dock 7.  
The Enterprise was docking in 12 minutes.  
  
  
  
It had been Spock's own choice when he transferred off the Enterprise.  
The news had been received with sorrow from Uhura, Chekov, Scotty,  
McCoy, nurse Chapel, Sulu... and with stony silence from Kirk.  
  
And it was the silence that had driven Spock to leave. Shouting he could  
take, but Kirk had stopped shouting. Instead Spock met icy silence that  
cut him like knives. At several occasions Spock found himself gaze at  
Kirk, when he missed their chatting, missed the times when Bones stood  
behind Kirk, and Spock had to defend himself and his logic in the  
friendly battles they'd always shared. But now, when Kirk turned and  
looked at Spock, his eyes were bitter with accusation, and the hardness  
hurt in Spock's very core, at times so badly he had to excuse himself to  
get away from the bridge, until he could breathe properly again. The  
reproachful looks had finally been too much for him to bare, and in the  
late hours, when everybody else were asleep, Spock thought about the  
choices he'd made in his life, and finally he made his last choice  
aboard the ship he knew so well, when he filled out the transfer form.  
  
  
  
The Enterprise was a white swan when it docked, it's giant frame filling  
his view from left to right, top to bottom. Three years, and she looked  
exactly like she always had.  
  
And now he would get to see her Captain again. Even though Spock lived  
far away from shi'Kar, word had reached him that the Enterprise was  
docking, and the Captain was to attend the summit meeting there.  
  
  
  
He swallowed as he passed the desk and turned the corner to the corridor  
that lead to the hall where Admiral Brukida would be awaiting the party  
from the Enterprise. The corridor turned and ran parallel to the room  
where quite a deal of men had assembled to greet the captain. Spock put  
his hands on the window separating him from the room and waited.  
  
  
  
He forced himself to calm down when he saw Hikaru Sulu and Nyota Uhura  
walk down the gangway attached to the hatch on the Enterprise. Montgome-  
ry Scott followed them next. Then came the new science officer assigned  
after Spock's departure, a Vulcan Spock didn't know by name.  
  
Then came the captain, and people applauded, but Spock's eyes widened.  
He had never seen the dark-haired man that exited the ship before.  
Kirk wasn't there.  
  
Turning hastily he walked down the corridor again to the office at the  
end.  
  
Jim...  
  
The young Vulcan woman was getting ready to leave when Spock reached the  
desk.  
  
"Captain James T. Kirk," Spock asked, "is he not on board the  
Enterprise?"  
The woman tapped in the name on the computer, then shook her head.  
"I am sorry, sir. Captain Kirk passed away six months ago."  
  
For a moment Spock's heart stopped, and his blood froze in his veins.  
Dead?  
  
"How?" he asked in a composed voice.  
"A malfunction in a transporter beam. He was placed 700 meters away from  
his goal, in space. There was no one present who could save him. Now, if  
you will excuse me, please..."  
  
  
The memories...  
  
I lost her. Why, Spock?  
I am sorry...  
Dammit, you disobeyed a direct order! You had no right!  
I apol...  
Do you know why you are my first officer? I figured I didn't have to  
worry about people making subjective judgements, choices.  
...  
Why?  
Forgive me, pl...  
Why?  
...  
Hurt, he hurt. His abdomen ached. His senses were crying  
... please  
Silence, cold  
One mistake  
Beam the captain aboard  
  
Up there, somewhere. Past the red sky above him.  
Now he wasn't coming back. Ever. A malfunction? An accident? Kirk would  
always check the co-ordinates himself. No accident.  
  
He had been foolish anyway. How could he believe that Kirk would want to  
see him again, after three years without contact? No, he had already  
lost him then. Maybe now Spock could put the pain he still felt behind  
him. Now he didn't have to cling to impossible hopes of winning back the  
Captain's trust. Spock doubted it would have made a difference if he'd  
told Kirk what he really felt. Maybe. Another mistake? He would never  
know.  
  
Jim... I am sorry...  
  
The sun was setting when Spock walked on the dusty, dry road leading  
away from shi'Kar.  
He was a black shadow against the red light.  
He was calmer than ever, his back rank, his lines soft, his eyes deep  
and peaceful.  
  
...Goodbye, Jim. Goodbye.  
  
He walked home.  
  
  
***  
end 


End file.
